Last week, I was so busy dealing with the physical pain and recovery that I didn't have time to think about the emotional aspects. This week, since my pain is under control and I'm getting around better, I have had to deal with what this surgery actually means. I cannot have any more children. When I scheduled my surgery 3 weeks ago, I knew that. Sure I had a few moments where I was very upset about it prior to surgery, but now that it is over and done with it has hit me like a ton of bricks.
The surgery was necessary due to all of the complications I was having, and being a nurse, I could foresee even more problems that would happen if I put it off for too long or tried to have another baby before having it done. My husband and I had considered both of those options briefly, but both rationally knew that neither was for the best and could produce even worse results, causing harm to both me and baby. Besides, we already have children. I kept telling myself I would be okay with not getting to have a big family, because there are people out there who can't have any and I can't even imagine what that would be like. Infertility must be torture for a woman. If anyone reading this has dealt with or is currently dealing with infertility, please know that I am not trying to be insensitive in any way. While I can't say that I know what you are going through, please know that my heart goes out to you as another woman who's dreams of what her family would be like have been shattered.
Growing up with only one sister, I always wished that I came from a bigger family. Sure there were perks to their only being 2 of us, and our home basically had an open door policy for all of our friends so there was always activity in the house, but my sister and I were never that close. I had always thought that if there were more siblings we would all have somebody in the family to connect with. My mom is one of 4 daughters, and getting together with her family is so much fun. There are tons of people around talking and laughing and it always feels so comforting when we are all together. My dad, on the other hand, is an only-child, so our entire family can fit around one normal sized table when we all get together and it's completely different. I always imagined big family get togethers with our kids and then eventually their own families some day. Now, God willing, we will have those family get-togethers, but they will just be much smaller than I had always hoped.
I guess the hardest part of all of this is we are at an age where I shouldn't have to be facing this already. Therefore, a lot of our friends are still having children, as well as our siblings both expecting babies within the year. Actually, my brother-in-laws girlfriend is due next month. The day I came home from the hospital, one of my dearest friends had a baby. I texted her rather than call, because I knew that I would probably end up crying and I didn't want to ruin the moment. Another friend had her baby within the week and in fact, there are countless other friends and family members who are all pregnant right now. Actually, one just announced on Facebook today she is pregnant which set in motion me writing this blog tonight. While I am happy for her and her husband, because they are such a great family, I couldn't even pick up the phone and call to tell her congratulations because I knew that I would end up crying and didn't want to upset her in any way.
While I usually try to wrap up my blogs with something encouraging or thought-provoking, I quite frankly just don't have it in me tonight. So instead, I'm going to close in prayer. While many of you probably will not relate to this prayer, please know that if there is something you would like me to pray about for you, please send me an email and I would be glad to join in prayer on whatever you are currently struggling with.
Dear God, You knew my life story before I was even born and I trust that you have a plan for all of this that I can't see right now beyond my hurt. I pray that you would comfort me as I learn to deal with this, and show me what I can do to move past all of this when I am continually confronted with it. Give me the right words to say to my friends and family when they announce their pregnancies or births of their babies. Help me in those moments to be able to control my reactions so I don't come across as cold because hurting them is something I would never want to intentionally do. God, thank you for my two precious children you have already given me. Without them, I don't know what I would do. I feel like they make me a better person and make those dreary moments in my day worthwhile. Please watch over us and help us to continue to grow together as a family rather than to grow apart. Thank you for all of the blessings you have given us! Open our eyes to those who are hurting around us, and who us what we can do to show them Your love. All of these I pray in Jesus' name. Amen!